To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
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Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
This made me smile…
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Try and stop me.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.