PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
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they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
How can I say no to this ?
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?