My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
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I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.