The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
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When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”