I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
You Might Also Like
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today