I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
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Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Well, shit
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow