and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
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I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*