My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
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It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
some Old Testament wisdom
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)