A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
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The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
My safe word is Worcestershire
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.