A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
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[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Pot warmers of the day.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.