Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
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Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
The smoothest fall of all time
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
You had me at “define legal”.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance