Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
You Might Also Like
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Sorry we can鈥檛 be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃榿馃榿馃ぃ馃ぃ
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
hot panini鈥檚 mom is pissed, you guys.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 馃檮
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
michael jordan鈥檚 parents really named him after a shoe
#Caturday
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.