Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”