While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
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my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.