I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
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[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Don’t tell me what to do
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!