BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
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Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.