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i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I feel it
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair