Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
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8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
How it started How it’s going
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.