Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
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My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
This has made my week.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Welcome
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?