INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
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Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough