How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
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[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes