[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
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witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”