I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
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wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.