Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
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i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Actually cracking up @ this
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I’ve had relationships like this
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me