Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
You Might Also Like
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Monica just destroyed the internet
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”