My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
You Might Also Like
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes