Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
You Might Also Like
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
time for some seasonal decor
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.