Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
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pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
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SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
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The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away