Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
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The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.