Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not