Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
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I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
My patience has stretch marks.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.