Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
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I want what they have
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.