Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
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I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
getting groceries
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”