Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
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[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
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[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…