Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
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ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.