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At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.