Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
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COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Last-minute gift idea!
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.