forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
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The days of good grammer has went
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Growing up was a huge mistake
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Just this preview of the story is enough
giddy up Office Depot