It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
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I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
getting corrected
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?