“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
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Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I thought this was funny lol
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.