[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
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ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to