Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
![]()
You Might Also Like
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
She was REALLY feeling it.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.