That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
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Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.