6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
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Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers