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FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?