ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
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“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.