[waiting with friend for his test results]
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
You Might Also Like
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.