@bylinetd

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

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@murrman5

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

@behindyourback

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

@ronnui_

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

@1AIMMadellynne

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

@QuickandSisi

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

@Mister_Veritas

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

@pauleggleston

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

@sug_knight

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

@riot4rach

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

@Prero22

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.