I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
You Might Also Like
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks