I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
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That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy