If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
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Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Me: I really need to save money
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