wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
You Might Also Like
When you kidnap a writer.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?