My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
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date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
How I like cutting carbs
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?