If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
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Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*