It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
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I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
lmfao
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Does your wife know you’re single?
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.