It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
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“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.