I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
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[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem