Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
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Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.