why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
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Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay