Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
stop
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.